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6 Ways to Keep Your Emotional Responses Under Control

Emotions are a part of our human makeup. However, lack of emotional balance can easily lead to regret. Fortunately for us, we have the ability to control our emotions with practice. Consider the following seven tools that each of us have at our disposal: 

1. The pregnant pause.

Create a habit of mindful speaking by simply taking a moment to stop and think before you act or speak. This is especially helpful in a situation where our emotions run high, because it can prevent you from saying or doing something you’ll later regret. A common example is to count to 5 before sharing a response.

2. Dial it back.

Train yourself to notice when your voice volume is elevating. If the receiver points this out to you, resist the urge to yell back. Instead, take a pregnant pause and bring your voice down. 

3. Focus to understand.

Remove any desires to focus on what you want to say next. Focus listening carefully and understanding their problem. Focus on understanding how they feel and empathizing with their emotions.

4. Practice silence.

When the person you are communicating with is in a highly emotional state, it’s usually helpful to hit the mute button on yourself. In this type of situation, sharing your point of view won’t really help the situation at that time. Hold on to your thoughts and share them at a later time.

5. Reflect.

Emotionally charged discussions are often rooted in deep-seated issues. If you have chosen to refrain from sharing for a later time, remember to do just that. If you don’t find the time to discuss the issues when emotions are calm, likely the issues will spring up again, and again. Revisit the conversation when all parties have had a chance to cool off.

6. Consider the future.

Sometimes emotions can cloud your judgment; think about how your current emotional decision will affect you 2 years, 5 years, and 10 years down the line. The answers to each scenario can help you make sound decisions that you are proud of.  

Can you think of other strategies that can keep your emotional responses at bay? Comment below and share your ideas.

Why Leaders Get Two Ears to Listen

Less than 2% of all professionals have had formal education or learning to understand and improve listening skills and techniques.

With those stats, it is understandable why many of us don’t do well at it. This is unfortunate because leaders who excel in listening have a stronger chance of creating trustworthy relationships which in turn increases the chance of team success. Without this gift of listening, it is difficult for any leader to really know what is troubling an employee, how to provide proper support, or how to pull them out of a performance rut.

Listening goes beyond direct eye contact and not interrupting. To do it well, it takes keen attention to facial expressions, body language, and mood. Those who embrace the art of listening are destined to be in a better position to lead better and smarter.

During a recent team building session with a client, the group brainstormed different ways of listening better. Review their brainstorming ideas on what enables better listening.

What happens when you don’t listen?

  • You don’t understand what is going on
  • Issues escalate
  • Issues don’t get solved
  • Resentment builds
  • Relationships crumble
  • Trust decreases
  • Demotivation occurs 

How can I listen effectively?

  • Remain open and remove any pre-determined decisions
  • Get rid of all distractions
  • Maintain eye contact
  • Focus on listening actively
  • Make the talker feel as they matter
  • Respect confidentiality
  • Allow the talker to share their ideas
  • Don’t interrupt
  • Share positive reinforcement
  • Commit the time to listen
  • Paraphrase messages heard
  • Summarize key points
  • Take notes to help remembrance
  • Ask questions to help clarify points
  • Be patient
  • Monitor your tone when asking questions, paraphrasing, or summarizing
  • Take time to reflect on what is being said

To be a more effective listener, you can also learn more from the International Listening Association at http://listen.org/. 

Listening well is difficult but employees respect a leader that does it well.

Can you think of other ways to be a better listener? Comment below and share your ideas.

The “W” Word Every Coaching Leader Should Stop Using and Other Coaching Tips

According to a Bersin & Associates study, business results improve by 21 percent when leaders coach effectively and frequently.

As you coach your direct reports, always keep in mind that the coaching conversation is about the employee’s development and you are facilitating the learning process. Keep a few key coaching plays in your back pocket to make the process more effective and help you get the results you need.  

Play #1. It’s about capitalizing on learning moments.

Try not to wait too long after an incident to address problem issues. Talk about and reinforce behavior best practices in-the-moment. It is the best way for learning to occur. 

Play #2. It’s about two-way conversation.

Take an ask vs. tell approach in your coaching dialogue. Avoid telling the employee what to do. Ask powerful questions that allow the employee to create their own solutions. As you guide them through the problem solving process, you have a better chance of them buying into the solution because the solution will be their idea.

Play #3. It’s about choosing your words wisely. 

Confucius said, “Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.”  Many times we use great words or phrases irresponsibly because we don’t know any better. One word in particular is the word why. It is not a negative word but it limits a leader’s ability to have an effective conversation.

The goal of a coaching conversation is to have a two-way dialogue that produces a useful outcome.  Leveraging good questions enables this type of outcome. Ask open-ended questions that steer away from asking “why?”.  Why tends to give off an air of judgment.  Open-ended questions invite positive dialogue. Try the ones listed below.

  • What is the status on “x”?
  •  How can I help you? 
  •  Can you tell me about that error?
  • Walk me through your thought process?
  • What other approaches might you take next time?
  • How are your emotions influencing your perception of the situation?

Your career will blossom if you are known to be a good developer of people and that takes strong coaching skills – a critical skill for long-term leadership success!

Can you think of other open-ended questions to use when coaching? Comment below and share your ideas.